Characters:
Judge
Minnie (Defendant)
Lawyer 1
Lawyer 2
Bailiff
Costumes:
Judge's robe (a graduation gown will do)
Props:
gavel, briefcase, underwear, photo
Scenery:
podium, 4 chairs
Note: Although this skit was originally written for women, any of the characters can be changed to men
(Minnie enters and sits down)
Minnie: Where is that lawyer of mine? My trial starts in a few minutes and my lawyer's not here.
(Lawyer 2 enters and sits down)
Minnie: What took you so long? A lawyer shouldn't be late for a trial.
Lawyer 2: I couldn't find my briefcase. Can't come to court without a briefcase.
Minnie: What have you got in there? Legal documents and things?
Lawyer 2: (pulls out underwear) Briefs.
Minnie: I'm nervous--I've never been in court before.
Lawyer 2: Me neither.
Minnie: Wait...you mean you've never tried a case before?
Lawyer 2: There's a first time for everything. But don't worry, I've seen every episode of People's Court. Twice.
Minnie: I only hired you because you were cheap.
Lawyer 2: In that case, I'll lose your case cheaper than any other lawyer.
(Lawyer 1 enters)
Minnie: Is that the prosecutor? She looks mean.
Lawyer 2: Don't worry, she's very fair. She would never let her personal feelings interfere with her work.
(Lawyer 1 walks over to Minnie and whacks her in the head) Take that, you vicious criminal!
Minnie: I'm sure glad she's fair.
Lawyer 2: (stands) You can't hit my client like that.
Lawyer 1: Like what?
Lawyer 2: Like this. (hits Minnie in the head)
Lawyer 1: Like this? (hits Minnie in the head)
Lawyer 2: That's right.
Lawyer 1: Okay, I won't hit her like this. (hits Minnie in the head)
Lawyer 2: That's better.
(Lawyer 1 & 2 return to seats)
Minnie: (dazed) Thanks for standing up for me.
Lawyer 2: You're welcome.
(Bailiff enters, stands beside podium)
Bailiff: All rise.
(Everyone stands)
Bailiff: Hear ye, hear ye! This court is now in session! The honorable Judge Mental presiding.
(Judge enters)
Judge: Be seated.
(Minnie, Lawyer 1, Lawyer 2 sit)
Judge: This is the case of the State versus Miss Golf. Is the defendant present?
Bailiff: The accused will rise!
Minnie: (stands) Here, your honor.
Judge: Are you Miss Golf?
Minnie: Yes, Minnie Golf, your honor.
Judge: Very well. How do you plead?
Minnie: Like this: (holds up clasped hands) Oh, please, Judge! I didn't do anything! I'm innocent!
Judge: (bangs gavel) Order!
Bailiff: I'll have a turkey sandwich on rye.
(Minnie sits)
Judge: The prosecution may begin.
Bailiff: Prosecutor, step forward!
Lawyer 1: (stands) May it please the court, I intend to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that this person is guilty! Guilty! Guilty of the most hideous crime!
Minnie: I am not!
Judge: (bangs gavel) Order in the court!
Bailiff: I'll have a tuna salad with mayo.
Judge: Miss Golf, you'll have your chance to speak. Now, Madam prosecutor, what are the charges?
Lawyer 1: Your honor, the accused is charged with knocking over a corner news stand.
Minnie: What?! I never robbed a news stand.
Lawyer 1: I didn't say you robbed it. I said you knocked it over. You knocked it over when you ran into it with your bicycle.
Lawyer 2: I object! My client is guilty until proven innocent.
(Minnie elbows Lawyer 2)
Lawyer 2: I mean innocent until proven guilty. I always get those two mixed up.
Judge: (bangs gavel) Objection sustained.
Lawyer 1: Sorry. The defendant allegedly knocked over the news stand when she ran into it with her bicycle.
Lawyer 2: Objection!
Lawyer 1: Sigh! She allegedly is accused of allegedly knocking it over when she allegedly ran into it with her alleged bicycle.
Lawyer 2: That's better.
Judge: The prosecution may proceed.
Lawyer 1: Let us go back to the scene of the crime.
(Minnie and Lawyer 2 stand up)
Lawyer 1: Not literally! In your mind!
(Minnie and Lawyer 2 sit down)
Lawyer: I ask you to picture a charming, old-fashioned little news stand, run by a charming, old-fashioned little couple. It's a sleepy Saturday morning. The sun is shining. The birds are singing.
Lawyer 2: The prosecutor is boring...
Judge (bangs gavel) Order!
Bailiff: I'll have a cheeseburger and fries.
Judge: The prosecutor will present her case in any manner she sees fit.
Minnie: I get the feeling the judge is already on the prosecutor's side.
Lawyer 2: Oh, no, I'm sure the judge is impartial.
Judge: The prosecution may continue.
Lawyer 1: Thank you, Aunt Mary. I mean, Your Honor. As I was saying, this idyllic scene was suddenly shattered when a Schwinn ten-speed Road Ranger came hurtling around the corner, the careless driver utterly indifferent to the innocent bystanders around her...
Minnie: Aren't you going to object to that?
Lawyer 2: No, you are kind of careless.
Minnie: Your Honor, I want a new lawyer; this one isn't very interested in my case.
Judge: Is that true, Counsellor?
Lawyer 2: What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
Lawyer 1: May I continue? The Schwinn came hurtling around the corner, ramming the Good Morning Newspaper Stand right in the Ladies' Home Journal section. Isn't that true, Miss Golf?
Minnie: That's a lie! It was Better Homes and Gardens!
Lawyer 1: So you admit you knocked over the newspaper stand!
Minnie: I don't admit anything. I'm taking the Fifth.
Lawyer 1: The Fifth what?
Minnie: I don't know, but on Perry Mason they always take the fifth. I was kind of hoping it had something to do with Sak's Fifth Avenue.
(Judge pounds gavel several times; everyone looks at Judge)
(Judge looks around & realizes)
Judge: I was just cracking some walnuts. Continue.
Lawyer 2: Your Honor, my opponent has yet to provide any solid evidence to prove my client's guilt.
Judge: Well, Madam Prosecutor? Do you have any evidence?
Lawyer 1: Yes, Your Honor, I have photographic evidence. This photo of the defendant. Miss Golf, this is you in this picture, isn't it?(shows photo)
Minnie: That's my high school yearbook picture.
Lawyer 1: So you admit it! And were you present when this was taken?
Minnie: No, I was sick that day.
Judge: Counsellor, is that all you have?
Lawyer 1: No, Your Honor, there was an eyewitness to the crime.
Judge: Then bring out the eyewitness.
Bailiff: Bring out the eyewitness!
Minnie: Bring out the eyewitness! What am I saying?
Lawyer 1: Your Honor, I regret to say that the eyewitness was unable to be here today.
Judge: Why not?
Lawyer 1: He had to take his seeing eye dog to the vet.
Judge: Very well. The court will now...
Lawyer 2: I object!
Judge: To what?
Lawyer 2: Just give me a minute. I'll think of something.
Judge: Has the prosecution anything further?
Lawyer 1: Your Honor, the prosecution contends that the defendant is a vicious criminal mastermind bent on world domination.
Bailiff: Her?
(Judge bangs gavel)
Judge: Bailiff, it's not your job to question the prosecutor.
Bailiff: Sorry, Judge.
Judge: Her?
Lawyer 1: Yes, Your Honor. She may look brainless, she may act brainless, but behind that brainless exterior lurks an evil genius.
Lawyer 2: Objection!
Judge: Objection sustained. (bangs gavel) Now look what you did. You made me smash my Lifesavers. Madam Prosecutor, have you any evidence to back up these accusations?
Lawyer 1: Of course not. The defendant is far too clever to leave evidence.
Judge: Then considering the appalling lack of both evidence and witnesses, I find the defendant not guilty.
(Lawyer 1 sits)
Lawyer 2: Not so fast, judge. I still have a witness to call. I call Minnie Golf to the stand.
Judge: But you just won the case. Why call her as a witness?
Lawyer 2: Your Honor, my learned opponent has cast aspersions upon my client. I intend to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that my client is no criminal mastermind. In fact, that she's too dumb to be any kind of mastermind.
Minnie: Can I object?
Judge: Sorry, only your lawyer can do that.
Minnie: What kind of a trial is this?
Judge: A trial of my patience. The defendant will take the stand.
Bailiff: Defendant, take the stand.
(Minnie sits to the side of the podium, Lawyer 2 stands)
Lawyer 2: I'd like you to answer a few questions. Name?
Minnie: Minnie Golf.
Lawyer 2: Marital status?
Minnie: Pretty good most of the time.
Lawyer 2: Do you have any children?
Minnie: Three, from my first marriage.
Lawyer 2: How many boys?
Minnie: None.
Lawyer 2: And how many girls?
Minnie: Seriously?
Lawyer 2: How was your first marriage terminated?
Minnie: By death.
Lawyer 2: Whose death?
Minnie: Since I'm still here, I'm gonna go with his.
Lawyer 2: Where were you on the day in question at the time in question?
Minnie: On my bicycle.
Lawyer 2: I mean where were you on the bicycle?
Minnie: On the seat.
Lawyer 2: Now, Miss Golf, let's show the court just how intelligent you really are. Isn't it true that you threw your brand new phone into the river?
Minnie: Well, yes, but the man at the phone store told me to.
Lawyer 2: He told you to?
Minnie: Yes, he told me to sink my phone. And, boy, did it sink.
Lawyer 2: And will you please tell the court what happened when you tried to bake cookies?
Minnie: That wasn't my fault. The recipe said to set the oven at three-thirty, but it didn't say AM or PM.
Lawyer 2: And how did you get lost when you went hiking last week? You had a compass, didn't you?
Minnie: Yes, but it was broken. It kept pointing north, and I needed to go south.
Lawyer 2: No further questions.
(Minnie returns to her seat)
Lawyer 2: You see, Your Honor? My client is no mastermind.
Lawyer 1: (stands) I object! Those answers must be rehearsed. Nobody could be that dumb.
Minnie: I can, too!
Lawyer 2: I object! The prosecutor is calling me a liar!
Lawyer 1: Well, I object to your fashion sense!
Lawyer 2: Well, I object to your objection!
Judge: (bangs gavel) Enough!
Bailiff: Enough!
Judge: Silence!
Bailiff: Silence!
Judge: Everybody be quiet!
Bailiff: Everybody be quiet!
Judge: You, too.
Bailiff: Me, too.
Judge: The defendant will rise.
(Minnie stands)
Judge: Having heard all the testimony and weighed all the evidence, I have reached a verdict. I find you guilty!
Minnie: What?!? But, Your Honor, two minutes ago, you found me not guilty.
Judge: Not you. (points to bailiff) You!
Bailiff: Me? But I'm not on trial. I was nowhere near that news stand.
Judge: I find you guilty of writing this skit and failing to come up with an ending. Do you deny it?
Bailiff: No, I can't deny it. I'm guilty as charged.
Judge: Take yourself away! Court is adjourned.
(all exit, Bailiff with head down in shame)
(both exit)
copyright 2024 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore
Return to Skits & Bits