I SPY
by Linda Campanella

Characters:
Spy 1
Spy 2

Costumes:
none needed

Props:
cell phone, binoculars, container of onion dip, pen, spoon

(2 spies enter from opposite sides. They look around, look at each other, hesitate, then walk closer to each other)

Spy 1: (speaking, not singing) Camptown Lady sing this song.

Spy 2: (speaking, not singing) Doo-dah, doo-dah.

Spy 1: (speaking, not singing) Camptown Racetrack five miles long.

Spy 2: (speaking, not singing) Oh, doo-dah day.

Spy 1: Agent Oh-Fourteen?

Spy 2: Agent X?

Spy 1: Were you followed?

Spy 2: No. You?

Spy 1: No. What's my assignment?

Spy 2: You are to proceed with Operation: Aardvark.

Spy 1: Aardvark? That's a silly code name for a spy operation.

Spy 2: We're going in alphabetical order. Besides, I wouldn't talk about silly code names, Agent X.

Spy 1: Point taken.

Spy 2: What equipment did you bring?

Spy 1: I have this. (Pulls out phone)

Spy 2: A phone?

Spy 1: It only looks like a phone. It's really binoculars.

Spy 2: Ah! What if you need to call headquarters.

Spy 1: Then I'll use this. (Pulls out binoculars) It's really a phone.

Spy 2: Tricky. I have a secret message for you.

Spy 1: What is it?

Spy 2: I can't tell you, it's a secret.

Spy 1: But I need you to give me my instructions.

Spy 2: I'll have to give them to you in code.

Spy 1: Proceed.

Spy 2: Go doo blogs dorth, dake dee zide zdreed ride, ud-til you zee a blag zedad.

Spy 1: Wait a second. I've memorized every code in the spy handbook, and I can't understand a word you're saying. What kind of code is that supposed to be?

Spy 2: A code id dee doze.

Spy 1: Forget the code. Just tell me where I'm headed.

Spy 2: You're going to New Dehli.

Spy 1: India? No problem.

Spy 2: No, not India. To the new deli around the block. Pick me up a sandwich, hold the mustard.

Spy 1: Is that where I meet my contact?

Spy 2: No, that's where you contact my meat. Make it pastrami.

Spy 1: Huh?

Spy 2: Never mind. Just listen.

Spy 1: Give me the 4-1-1.

Spy 2: The message from HQ is on the QT. There's a CEO from the U.A.R. A real V.I.P.

Spy 1: KGB?

Spy 2: Used to be SS. Then he went A-W-O-L.

Spy 1: M-I-A?

Spy 2: Right. The CIA wants him out of D.C. PDQ.

Spy 1: Ten-Four. I'll get on it ASAP.

Spy 2: OK. Now, do you have the formula?

Spy 1: Right here. (Pulls out onion dip)

Spy 2: That's a container of onion dip.

Spy 1: It only looks like onion dip. The formula is on a microchip hidden inside.

Spy 2: Chip and dip! Pretty clever.

Spy 1: And tasty.

Spy 2: And now that I know you have it...I'll take that formula.

Spy 1: What is this? A double-cross?

Spy 2: Yep. Because I'm a double agent.

Spy 1: Double drat!

Spy 2: Let's have that onion dip.

Spy 1: Never!

Spy 2: Okay, you asked for it (pulls out pen)

Spy 1: A pen?

Spy 2: Actually, it's a .45 calibre pen. So put your hands up and hand over the formula.

Spy 1: If I put my hands up, how can I hand it over?

Spy 2: Don't be funny.

Spy 1: No danger of that.

Spy 2: Give me the formula, or I'll shoot!

Spy 1: Okay...(gives Spy 2 the onion dip) Now I know why they call you Oh-Fourteen. You're twice as tough as Double-Oh-Seven. (pulls out spoon) Now you put your hands up.

Spy 2: A spoon gun, eh? Looks like a stalemate.

Spy 1: Not really, this is a forty-six calibre spoon.

Spy 2: Outgunned by one calibre! (Gives onion dip to Spy 1) Now that you have the formula, what are you going to do? Kill me?

Spy 1: Nope. I'm going to give you the formula. (Gives onion dip to Spy 2)

Spy 2: Why would you help me?

Spy 1: Because I'm also a double agent.

Spy 2: That means we're on the same side!

Spy 1: That's right. So let's get this formula back to HQ, ASAP.

Spy 2: LOL. I mean, Ten-Four.

(Both exit)

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