YEARLY PHYSICAL
by Linda Campanella

Characters:
Doctor, male or female
Patient, a woman

Costumes:
patient wears earrings; doctor may wear a costume if desired

Props:
phone

Doc: We're almost through with your annual physical, and so far everything looks fine. Your blood pressure is good, your temperature is normal, and your weight is well within the healthy range.

Patient: That's great, Doc.

Doc: Just a few more tests, and you can go home. First I'd like to test your hearing.

Patient: Thank you. I like these earrings, too.

Doc: Not 'earring.' I said, 'hearing.'

Patient: I don't like herring. Do you have any kippers?

Doc: Forget it. Let's test your eyesight instead. Read that chart on the wall.

Patient: Okay.

(pause)

Doc: Out loud.

Patient: Oh, sorry. "Gztlkptlkn."

Doc: Those are just letters, not a word. Just read the smallest line you can see.

Patient: 'Made in China.'

Doc: Well, your eyesight's okay. I'm going to test your reaction time. I'll throw the ball, and you catch it. Ready?

Patient: Ready.

(Doc throws the ball; it bounces off Patient, who doesn't move to catch it until AFTER it falls)

Doc: Moving right along...this test will measure the health of your lungs. Take a deep breath and hold it.

(Patient takes a breath, then stands with cheeks puffed out)

Doc: Just hold it. Oh, there goes my phone. Excuse me a minute. (Into phone) Honey, I told you not to call me when I'm with a patient. So, what's the big emergency?

(Patient shows signs of distress while continuing to 'hold breath')

Doc: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Ostrich. Oh, three letters? Try 'emu.' (puts phone away) Okay, you can let it out now.

(Patient blows out air noisily, then pants and puffs)

Doc: Very good. Now I'll check your balance. Please raise your right foot.

(Patient stands on 1 foot)

Doc: Good, now raise the other foot. Just kidding!

(Patient stands normally)

Patient: Aren't we finished yet, Doc?

Doc: Just about. Here's your bill.

Patient: Three thousand dollars?!?!

Doc: You read that without having a heart attack. Congratulations, you passed the cardiology test!

Patient: You had me worried for a minute. So that's not the actual bill?

Doc: Of course not. That's only the first installment.

Patient: Well, Doc, the joke's on you! I'm flat broke. I owe money to three dentists, two chiropractors, and Doctor Phil. So long, and see you in bankruptcy court. (exits)

Doc: I knew I should've started with the bank account test. (exit)

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