Characters:
Help Desk clerk
Customer 1
Customer 2
Customer 3
Costumes:
ordinary street clothes
Props:
none needed
(Help Desk & Customer 2 enter)
Help Desk: Good morning! Welcome to J C Max-Mart, the store that sells everything! What can I help you with today?
Customer 2: Do you sell groceries?
Help Desk: We sell everything!
Customer 2: Do you sell any whole foods?
Help Desk: Donuts, aisle 3.
(customer exits; Customer 1 enters)
Customer 1: Does this store have free wifi?
Help Desk: Yes, but you'll need the password.
Customer 1: So, what's the wifi password?
Help Desk: You have to make a purchase first.
Customer 1: Okay, okay, charge these socks to my credit card.
Help Desk: Done. Thank you very much.
Customer 1: Now what's the password.
Help Desk: You-have-to-make-a-purchase-first. All caps, no spaces.
(customer exits; Customer 2 enters)
Customer 2: I want a box for this.
Help Desk: Sorry, we don't box here, but I'll wrestle you for it.
(customer exits; Customer 3 enters)
Customer 3: I've been calling your store for hours and couldn't get through.
Help Desk: What number were you calling?
Customer 3: The number you have posted on your front door: nine-zero-zero, one-one-three-zero.
Help Desk: Those are our hours. We're open nine o'clock to eleven thirty. Now that you're here, what can I help you with?
Customer 3: Do you sell airline tickets here?
Help Desk: We sell everything!
Customer 3: Then I want a round trip ticket.
Help Desk: Where to?
Customer 3: Right back to here. So, how long will it take to fly to Boston?
Help Desk: Let me see...just a minute...
Customer 3: That's all? Great! I'll take one ticket.
Help Desk: Airline tickets, Aisle 12.
(customer exits; Customer 1 enters)
Customer 1: How much are your tomatoes?
Help Desk: Forty cents a pound.
Customer 1: Did you raise them yourself?
Help Desk: Yep. Yesterday they were thirty cents a pound.
(customer exits; Customer 2 enters)
Customer 2: I need a gift for my father. Do you have any suggestions?
Help Desk: How about a nice pocket calculator?
Customer 2: No, he already knows how many pockets he has.
Help Desk: Well, then, how about these pure wool pants?
Customer 2: The label says "100% cotton."
Help Desk: Oh, we just put that label on there to fool the moths. You can find them in Aisle 3.
(customer exits; Customer 3 enters)
Customer 3: That sign says genuine Indian pottery.
Help Desk: That's right.
Customer 3: But the tag says "Made in Cleveland."
Help Desk: Haven't you ever heard of the Cleveland Indians?
(customer exits; Customer 2 enters)
Customer 2: What are your hours?
Help Desk: I do an 8 to 6 five days a week, but after Christmas I'll be back to 40 hours.
(customer exits; Customer 1 enters)
Customer 1: Where's the bathroom, loser?
Help Desk: Go down the hall until you see a sign marked "Gentlemen." Igonore the sign and walk right in.
(customer exits; Customer 3 enters)
Customer 3: Where are the self-help books?
Help Desk: If I told you, it would defeat the purpose.
(customer exits; Customer 1 enters)
Customer 1: I want to buy a watch.
Help Desk: Analogue?
Customer 1: No, just a watch.
Help Desk: Aisle 5, second floor.
(customer exits; Customer 2 enters)
Customer 2: Do you keep stationery here?
Help Desk: No, I try to move around as much as possible.
Customer 2: How about running shoes? Do you sell them?
Help Desk: No, but we sell jogging shoes.
Customer 2: Won't they work just as well?
Help Desk: Maybe. How fast were you planning to go?
Customer 2: Okay, forget the shoes. Have you got any two-watt bulbs?
Help Desk: For what?
Customer 2: No, two.
Help Desk: Two...what?
Customer 2: Yes.
Help Desk: Hardware, Aisle 10.
(customer exits; Customer 3 enters)
Customer 3: I bought this rug yesterday, but it’s got a hole in the middle!
Help Desk: That’s correct, but if you’ll recall, the sign said it was in "mint" condition.
(customer exits; Customer 1 enters)
Customer 1: The price on this sweater is awfully high, isn’t it?
Help Desk: Not when you consider that the wool comes from a rare breed of albino sheep only found in the highest mountains of Tibet. It’s a beautiful yarn.
Customer 1: Yes, and you tell it so well.
(customer exits; Customer 2 enters)
Customer 2: Do you sell stamps? I want to send Christmas presents to my friends.
Help Desk: What denominations?
Customer 2: 3 Baptists, 2 Methodists, and a Presbetyrian.
Help Desk: Aisle 10.
(customer exits; Customer 3 enters)
Customer 3: Boy, you sure have a lot of knowledge right at your fingertips. Is there anything about this store you don't know?
Help Desk: Nope. Well, it's six o'clock. I'm off duty until tomorrow. (starts to exit) Wait...I'm getting turned around. Which way is the exit?
Customer 3: Go down Aisle 4 and turn left.
Help Desk: Thanks.
(both exit)
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