ARMY OF ONE
by Linda Campanella

Characters:
2 soldiers, Dumbrowski & Krupki

Costumes:
khakis will work

Props:
packages or wrapped bundles
Note: characters can simply pantomime catching packages, if desired

(Dumbrowski & Krupki enter)

Dumbrowski: This is the worst assignment I've ever been on. In fact, it's probably the worst assignment in the whole US Army. Watching for enemy planes day after day, month after month. Nothing ever comes near this out-of-the-way place. Sometimes I think I'll go crazy.

Krupki: Buck up, Dumbrowski. Remember, we're in this together.

Dumbrowski: You're right, Krupki. If it wasn't for you, buddy, I don't know how I would get through the endless days.

Krupki: That's okay, pal. I'm here for you, and you're here for me, right?

Dumbrowski: Right, chum! If we stand by each other, we'll make it.

Krupki: Wait, I see a plane!

Dumbrowski: Is it the enemy?

Krupki: No, it's our supply drop.

Dumbrowski: Hot dog! I'm almost out of chap stick.

(Pantomimes catching a package)

Dumbrowski: It's a letter addressed to me.

Krupki: Fan mail from some flounder?

Dumbrowski: No...I've been promoted! I'm now a Second Lieutenant!

Krupki: Wow, you're an officer! Congratulations, Dumbrowski!

Dumbrowski: What did you say?

Krupki: I said 'Congratulations.'

Dumbrowski: 'Congratulations,' what?

Krupki: Congratulations...you lucky dog?

Dumbrowski: It's 'congratulations, sir!' Now that I'm a lieutenant, you will address me as 'sir.' Is that clear, Sergeant?

Krupki: Cut out the clowning, Dumbrowski.

Dumbrowski: You think this is funny, soldier?

Krupki: You're serious! What happened to 'buddy' and 'chum'?

Dumbrowski: That was before I became an officer. You don't expect me to fraternize with the enlisted men, do you?

Krupki: Well, I don't know.

Dumbrowski: 'I don't know' what?

Krupki: I don't know...beans?

Dumbrowski: Sir! 'I don't know, Sir!'

Krupki: I meant 'sir.' Um, sir.

Dumbrowski: That's better. Now then, I don't know what kind of slipshod operation you've been running here, but there's only one way to do things, and that's the Army way. Is that clear?

Krupki: Yes...sir.

Dumbrowski: I can't hear you!

Krupki: Maybe you need to have your hearing checked.

Dumbrowski: 'Maybe you need to have your hearing checked,' what?

Krupki: Maybe you need to have your hearing checked...as soon as possible?

Dumbrowski: Sir! 'Maybe you need to have your hearing checked,' sir!

Krupki: Yes, sir!

Dumbrowski: Now, assemble your squad.

Krupki: My squad?

Dumbrowski: That's right, I want to review the troops. Is there a problem with that sergeant?

Krupki: No, sir. (shouts to imaginary troops) Company...fall in. (makes muttering noises of imaginary troops). Ten-hut!

(Stands at attention)

Dumbrowski: Very good, sergeant, you may call role.

Krupki: Call role?

Dumbrowski: You heard me.

Krupki: Yes, sir! Lipowitz! (jumps to new position to answer) Here! (jumps back) Gunderson! (jumps to new position to answer) Here! (jumps back) Shostakovich! (pause) Shostakovich! (jumps to new position to answer) He's sick! (jumps back) All troops accounted for, sir!

Dumbrowski: Men, I intend to whip this platoon into the finest fighting force in this man's army.

Krupki: Good luck with that.

Dumbrowski: Who said that?

Krupki: I'll get his name, sir.

Dumbrowski: Sergeant, I want a full parade of the troops.

Krupki: How's that, sir?

Dumbrowski: Parade the troops for inspection.

Krupki: Yes, sir. All troops, forward, harch! (begins to march while humming Stars & Stripes Forever) Eyes right! (Marches in a circle and back to starting spot)

Dumbrowski: Excellent, Sergeant. Now, men, you may be used to some lenient, lacksadaisical leadership. But I'm in charge now, and under my command, there will be order! There will be discipline! There will be...

Krupki: A plane!

Dumbrowski: A plane, what?

Krupki: A plane is coming! It's another mail drop! (pantomimes catching a package). It's a letter addressed to me. From headquarters.

Dumbrowski: Well, what does it say?

Krupki: I've been promoted!

Dumbrowski: That's wonderful! Now you're a lieutenant, like me.

Krupki: Actually, I'm now a captain.

Dumbrowski: A captain!?! That's nutty!

Krupki: 'That's nutty,' what?

Dumbrowski: That's nutty...as a fruitcake! Sir!

Krupki: That's better. And now I think it's time for a twenty-mile hike. Ten-shun! Forward, harch! Hup, two, three, four, hup, two, three, four...

(Both march off and exit)

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