I am the switch that derails your train.

I am the thing that goes "bump" in the night.

I am the neurosis that requires a five-hundred-dollar-an-hour shrink.

I am the jailer who throws away the key.

I am the surprise in your cereal box.

I am the chill that runs up your spine.

I am the termite that devours your floorboards.

I am the moth that seeks your porch light.

I am the flea you cannot flick.

I am the combination lock on the vault of justice.

I am the icky bug that crawls up your trouser leg.

I am the pin that will burst your bubble.

I am the spider who nips at your neck.

I am the little mouse that eats your cheese.

I am the cloud that rains on your hit parade.

I am the toddler that naps in the night.

I am the clipper that trims your hedges.

I am the repairman who tells you your warranty has run out.

I am the butter that burns in your pan.

I am the hair in the lens of your projector.

I am the scourge that...um...pecks at your nightmares...and...

I am the pustulent blister that bursts in your boot.

I am the metal key on the sardine can of justice.

I am the $10 service charge on all returned checks.

I am the kettle that whistles in the night.

I am the little teacup with the teeny-weeny hole in the handle that you can never quite get your finger in.

I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime.

I am the zit that forms when you've got a really big date.

I am the impacted wisdom tooth...

I am the single career man all women want to date.

I am the self-centered boob who hands over the city at the drop of a dime.

I am the current of vengance gurgling through your sewer.

I am the itch in your trigger finger.

I am the squashed bug on your flying saucer windshield.

I am the paper cut that ruins your morning.

I am the rhinestones on the jumpsuit of justice.

I am the stain that can't be rubbed out.

I am the #90 sunblock that will stop your burn.

I am the bubblegum that clings to your shoe.

I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3 A.M.

I am the weird-o who sits next to you on the bus.

I am the slug that crawls...

I am the check-writer in the "cash only" line.

I am the quality time that ruins your playtime.

I am the hero that every culture in every world needs.

I am the blown fuse that blacks you out.

I am the cholesterol that clogs your arteries.

I am the parking meter that expires while you shop.

I am the soap scum that lines your bathtub.

I am the hairball that clogs your drain.

I am the mishapen(ed) blotch that stains your walls.

I am the ham-radio operator who scrambles your reception.

I am the terror that unwraps in the night.

I am the low rating that cancels your program.

I am the auditor who wants to look at your books.

I am the ingrown toenail in your party pumps.

I am the weed whacker in the garden of evil.

I am the shrewd terror that outsmarts you in the night.

I am the lollipop that sticks in your hair.

I am the ghost of a chance that you don't have.

I am the feathery phantom that haunts your nightmares.

I am the pitbull that bites the ankle of crime.

I am the scrubbing bubble to criminal scum.

I am the muddy shoes that track the linoleum of crime.

I am the batteries that are not included.

I am the principal you are sent to see.

I am the burnt-out bulb you can not reach.

I am the fingernail that scrapes the blackboard of your soul.

I am the spinach that sticks to your teeth.

I am the headache in the criminal mind.

I am the slug that slimes your begonias.

I am the editor that leaves you on the cutting room floor.

I am the clock cleaner who will ring your chimes.

I am the raspberry seed you can't floss out.

I am the squeaky brakes that...that...

I am the special news bulletin that interrupts your favorite show.

I am the bubble gum that sticks in your hair.

I am the itch you cannot reach.

I am the cat that somebody let out of the bag.

I am the shopping cart that nicks your paint job.

I am the skunk that pollutes your air.

I am the smoke that smokes smoked oysters.

I am the winged scourge that pecks at your nightmares.

I am the plot twist in the second reel.

I am the substantial and inescapable penalty for early withdrawl.

I am the terror that flaps...in your windshield.

I am the onion that stings in your eyes.

I am the meter on the cab of justice.

I am the Heimlich Maneuver for the choking victims of crime.

I am the tube of Cadmium Yelow that's impossible to open.

I am the check that overdraws your account.

I am the pebble in the shoe of ignominy.

I am the terrier that yaps in the night.

I am the schnauzer that digs up your petunias.

I am the eraser that rubs out the typos of crime.

I am the fast food that comes back to haunt you.

I am the grade curve that gives you an F.

I am the pencil that breaks from signing too many autographs.

I am the water balloon that lands right on your head.

I am the low point on your sine curve.

I am the limestone that petrifies your bones.

I am the editor who cuts your scene.

The following metaphors were used when Darkwing tried to change his image:

I am the gold at the end of the rainbow.

I am the truth.

I am the super-nova at the center of the universe.

This one is from his Darkwarrior Duck persona:

I am the jackal that knaws at your bones.

And one from DW's negative side:

I am the most fiendish terror that flaps in the darkest night.